Before I begin this week’s column, I just want to say how excited I am that East Brunswick High grad Zack Morrison will have a film shown at the New Jersey Film Festival. Personally, I don’t really care whether his film is good or not, I’m just thrilled his name is nearly identical to the main character from Saved by the Bell. That alone makes this kid a success in my book. Speaking of EBHS alums, I just received an invitation to my high school reunion, which immediately prompted three reactions. #1 – Does it really cost $85 to attend? #2 – It would be great to see how my old classmates are …

It’s impossible to channel-surf these days without stumbling onto some sort of political discussion show. Fox News, MSNBC and CNN all have some version of these chatter-fests. Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart even hosts one, proving that the public prefers well-written comedy to journalistic integrity. (The overwhelming popularity of this column is further proof of this, and might also be a good indication that East Brunswick Patch readers have somewhat questionable taste.) Over the last few weeks, however, it’s become difficult to avoid a different kind of political silliness – debates. Turn the…

For those of you who have taken the time to read my bio, you know that I graduated from Rutgers University with a degree in English. By default, this means I have outstanding grammar. It also means that I am unqualified for 80 percent of all jobs. (Seriously, an English degree is about as useful at a job interview as a face tattoo.) Considering my educational background, I often find it depressing when grammar is misused. Things like the excessive use of “irony,” which is usually confused with “coincidence.” Another major grammatical lapse is the modification of the term “unique.” Describing …

Good morning, Dear Readers. This column is being written from the safety of a fully stocked storm bunker. I’ve collected all the essentials – bread, milk, eggs, those little Styrofoam packing peanuts, sugar, 25 of my favorite DVDs, six changes of clothes including a bathing suit, puff pastry dough, a ruler, and six bags of potato chips. (Side Note: While I’m joking about most of these survival items, people used to buy the oddest things from the A&P I worked at in preparation for storms. Things like cream cheese and produce – both of which go bad without adequate refrigeration – would fly off…

The first rule for column writing is to start with a topical and relevant hook so readers will know what the tone and premise of the piece will be. I like to do this, but am terrible at it. (At this point, regular readers of my column should be aware that 85 percent of what I write is filler. Usually I just start with a random thought and then segue seamlessly into other random thoughts until I hit my 800-word quota. The headline is all you really need to understand the article. And hopefully the pictures are entertaining. See what just happened? I padded my word count by writing 70 words …

Growing up, I was only given three rules to live by: #1 – Never go swimming after dinner (which was easy since I didn’t have a pool), #2 – Never leave the oven unattended (which was easy since I wasn’t allowed to use the oven), and #3 – Never tip waiters and waitresses less than 15 percent (which was easy since I never paid for dinner). As I got older, this last one was stressed more and more heavily. Constantly I was being told, “That’s how they make their money” and “You have to tip them well since they only made a few dollars an hour.” As with most things in life, I immediately rejected …

About a dozen or so years ago, I was playing football with a group of kids on someone’s front lawn. None of the kids in the group lived in the house the lawn was attached to, nor did anyone bother to ask permission to play there. Halfway through the game, the 60-year-old female homeowner came outside and stood in front of her door. “What are you doing?” she asked calmly, but loud enough so that we all heard. One guy immediately ran away, quickly galloping to his house down the street. The rest of us awkwardly stood perfectly still, immediately realizing how stupid it was to trespass in broad …

You know, if Gov. Chris Christie didn’t want to sign that open-space and land preservation bill in Hillsborough last week, he could have just said so and not faked this whole “trouble breathing” thing. Just another dishonest politician, I suppose. (Disclaimer: My lawyer – who sits next to me as I type to ensure I don’t make any libelous claims – just tapped me on the shoulder. “You really shouldn’t imply that Gov. Christie’s illness is fraudulent,” he said. “Besides: It isn’t a very nice thing to do.” Keeping this advice in mind, we here at The Counter Column would like to apologize for the …

It was a dark and stormy night. Wait. Scratch that. It was a dark and humid night; the kind of night where the air is so thick it feels like someone dropped an anvil on your chest. New Brunswick’s Scarlet Pub was, as usual, filled with joy and good cheer. But on this particular July 13 night the bar was also filled with nearly two-dozen underage drinkers and several employees who illegally served them. The police, responding to a tip about the nefarious behavior, arrested 26 people for participating in the crime. Thankfully, Dear Readers, the world is now a safer place for you and I to live …

Stop me if you’ve ever heard this one before: I go to the gym regularly to make sure I’m healthy and that I’ll live a long, fulfilling life. Sounds insincere, doesn’t it? Well here are the four actual reasons I go to the gym: No. 1 – To improve the way my body looks so that I a) can raise my plummeting self-esteem and b) will one-day land that lucrative guest-starring role on Grey’s Anatomy as the hot new doctor in the ER. No. 2 – To look at fit women. No. 3 – It’s on the way to McDonald’s. No. 4 – Women. Since Regional Editor Hank Kalet started the Patch Takes it Off program, I’ve had to …

The last time I glanced at my Justin Bieber calendar it said it was summer, which means several very specific things are happening in New Jersey. For starters, you won’t be able to drive past any street corner without seeing four or five bikini-clad teenage girls waving a “Car Wash!” sign. (Side Note: There’s also usually some disenchanted teenage boy with them. He won’t be wearing a bathing suit, however, and will have a “I came to see my classmates in bikinis, but now I’m stuck washing cars” look on his face.) Another sure sign it’s summer in East Brunswick is the influx of bears who tend …

You, Dear Readers, are currently reading a newspaper column. It might not seem like it since your fingers aren't covered in newsprint and there isn't the distinct odor of low-grade recycled paper, but trust me: The article you're reading has been published by a newspaper, edited by an experienced newsman, and written by a professional journalist. It's just being delivered to you in a new and exciting way. We hope you enjoy it. In the last decade and a half, many industries have been swept away by the tide that is the internet explosion. Retail stores rarely have better prices than sites like …

East Brunswick Patch Editor John and I had lunch last week to discuss the state of East Brunswick. This topic took five minutes of our time. (Things are looking good, in case you’re wondering.) The rest of our conversation centered around how much better New Jersey is than Pennsylvania and what would win in a fight, a stalk of celery or a pickle. (We ultimately settled on the pickle since it has a thicker skin and looks way more rugged than the daintily armored celery.) One thing we didn’t talk about was the news that Gov. Chris Christie, NJ’s fearless leader, named four new members to his …

I’m not what you’d call a “car guy,” at least not in the traditional sense. Give me a wrench and pop that hood and I’m about as useful as a pair of hands in a soccer match. I’ve never done anything mechanical to a car, which makes me an easy target for dishonest mechanics. (“What’s that you say? I need a new ‘air conditioner cushion pin’ and you’ll give me a great deal? Done. And while you’re at it, go ahead and do that ‘tire defoliation’ you mentioned last time.”) I’ve owned two cars in my life and, after my current one goes to that big parking lot in the sky later this week, I’ll have …

In recent years, airport security has tightened to the point where it often takes longer to get onto plane than it does to fly to a specific destination. Not only are there stringent (and seemingly random) restrictions regarding the amount of hand sanitizer that can safely be brought onto a plane, but there’s also an emphasis on what sort of weapons can fit inside sneakers. I did some flying a few weeks ago and thought I was well prepared for the screening process. With the precision of George Clooney’s character from Up in the Air, I slid off my sneakers, emptied my pockets, removed that one…

A simple Google search reveals that the word “promenade” is the reason that the big dance at the end of high school is called “The Prom.” Makes sense; one of the definitions of promenade is “a formal dance.” (Curiously, this is the second definition in most dictionaries. The first one is “a leisurely, public walk.” I guess all those senior citizens briskly charging through the Brunswick Square Mall at 9 o’clock on Saturday morning are having their own type of prom.) This Friday, East Brunswick High School will hold its annual prom at the Pines Manor in Edison. Back in my day – during a time …

The world was supposed to end two days ago, so not only didn’t I plan on writing a column this week, but I also called my editor John a bunch of vulgar names and egged his house. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when the world is coming to an end? Let go of all your inhibitions? After recklessly derailing my career in journalism, I then ordered 12 On Demand movies from Xfinity (each with the $1 high-def upgrade), bid on a bunch of eBay items I had no intention of paying for, and admitted to my wife that – despite my claims – I have never vacuumed our home. Not even once. (Side Note: My …

For some reason, carnivals have an inexplicable hold on the American psyche, as though their unique blend of rickety rides and bargain-priced foods are somehow as organically linked to our culture as apple pie and baseball’s opening day. In any movie characterizing the lives of children in the 60s or before, there will inevitably be a scene where the gang does wacky things at a county fair. (This scene almost always takes place on or around July 4 and culminates in an impressive fireworks display intercut with the awestruck gazes of the cast.) This carnival love affair also includes an …

I’ve said in the past that I prefer silly Hallmark holidays to the pseudo-serious ones. For some reason, I enjoy myself much more during holidays that are indisputably invented. The holidays that feature all that needless spiritual meditation ruin what would otherwise be fun times involving presents and chocolate eggs. In honor of today’s made-up holiday, I’ve decided to impart to you some of the wisdom my mother Theresa (not the Mother Teresa) sprinkled into my rearing during the rare times she wasn’t punishing me for crimes my brother committed. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.) For…

I was going to talk about last Wednesday’s budget elections in this week’s column, about how close the vote was (2,524 to 2,060) and how small the number of votes tallied was in relation to EB’s population (approximately 12 percent of possible voters participated). I also planned on mentioning how strange it was to see all the “Elect _____ to the East Brunswick Board of Education” lawn signs around town in advance of the vote. Being a community journalist, I’ve attended more Board of Education meetings than 90 percent of all parents and can’t understand why anyone would be so gung ho about …